


for miles and miles

by kiden



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-08-03
Packaged: 2019-06-21 00:53:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15545994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiden/pseuds/kiden
Summary: "Relief rolled off him, a wave so palpable in the air between them Rodney was sure they could drown in it, and he’d curled into himself on the couch, breathing wetly into the palms of his hands."





	for miles and miles

Relief rolled off him, a wave so palpable in the air between them Rodney was sure they could drown in it, and he’d curled into himself on the couch, breathing wetly into the palms of his hands. It hadn't meant anything to Rodney, and he'd always assumed the same for John, but it was clear then how mistaken he'd been. How he could miss something so big seemed impossible - because watching John shake - maybe he hadn't really missed it at all. The unease of his posture, the distance, the tight-lipped smiles Rodney always figured were more about boredom and insubordination than worry. John had never been good with the chain of command. Had never cared for bureaucracy. It had been easy to dismiss. To not count the behavior towards the equations that were all Rodney knew about him, the exquisite math that he'd invented just for them, to lay out the picture of John Sheppard across Rodney's life. So he could see him, really see him, opening up beautifully in numbers and figures.

John breathed heavily, each inhale catching at the back of his throat, and Rodney carded his fingers through his salt and pepper hair tentatively. Policy had never meant anything to him. As far as Rodney had ever been concerned, idiot things were to be discarded, useless hateful things had no place in his world. And they had no right to weigh on John's either. No one had ever cared. Maybe it was a bubble Rodney had been too busy saving the universe to see, but now the distractions of his memory were shaking, breaking free and something new was coming into focus.

As many people that had walked through the halls of the SGC, the corridors of Atlantis - they had been a family, hadn't they? Shielding each other from enemies through the gate but also the ones in their backyards. Falling in love was such a frivolous thing in the grand scheme of things. Such a big, impossible thing to Rodney, to John, but so small when every day, just by the odds, might be your last. Could be anyone, and everyone's, last.

"John, don't -."

Don't you know it never mattered.

They weren't more real than they had been yesterday, or the day before, or the years before that. Since that moment a light had flickered to life above Rodney's head and yes, oh, of course. Of course you want to kiss me. Of course you love me.

John's eyes had gone wide, his voice high, backing away with one hand in the air and the other hovering over his thigh holster. As though he'd rather shoot Rodney than admit to anything, which, looking back, had probably been the case. But Rodney had been alight, his fingers snapping and dancing in front of him as the pieces fell into place. When, when, he'd asked, then answered himself.

Years.

It was panic in John's eyes but resolution in Rodney's. Atlantis seemed to sway with John, her walls vibrating, foundations shaking in the vast Pacific. Years and years, Rodney said, and honestly, how stupid can you be.

There'd been time later to explain how and why. Why there was Katie, when there could have been John. Why there was Keller when he knew, then for a fact, that when he'd lost everything, when he'd lost himself, it was only John that remained, so deep in his bones. There had been weeks and months and years to go over why it had taken to long, why John - why they were both so stupid, and so brilliant, and so, so wasteful.

A speech would have been dramatic, but it wouldn't have been them. So Rodney had shook his head and chuckled and said, I'm going to kiss you.

And John had sputtered, no, no Rodney, no you will not.

But he'd melted under Rodney's touch and kissed back, oh, his big hands holding Rodney's face like it was something fragile, and precious, and it had been -

Finally. There'd never been anything else.

John had curled into himself on the couch, breathing wetly into the palms of his hands, and Rodney finally understood that maybe it had always meant something to him. The ceremonies with carefully constructed spaces between them and how affectionate John could be, something Rodney could have never anticipated. The way he liked to hold his hand, sometimes, just to remember where he belonged.

"I honestly didn't think I'd ever see it," John said, his face still hidden. "It doesn't change anything, but -."

"But it does," Rodney finished, sitting down beside him.

"It really does."

So lost in his memory, when John sits up and looks at him, Rodney is almost surprised by the years on his face. Remembers him young in the gate room, laughing with Ronon and Teyla, teasing Rodney good-naturedly. Elizabeth is beautiful standing on the balcony, wishing them luck, and when they step through the gate John's shoulder is pressed warmly against his own, and there is so much ahead of them. So much loss and triumph and pain and laughter, and all of it is etched in the lines of John's face.

"Would you marry me?" John asks. He's not really asking, but he is, and Rodney's mouth quirks into a smile.

"Absolutely not," he says, and laughs. "We'd never work."

Despite the wetness around John's eyes, or maybe because of it, he laughs with him and draws Rodney in for kiss.


End file.
